Life 2
WARNING
This post is slightly rambly and about feelings. Any such feelings expressed here have approximately the same real world relevance as those written in a pubescent girl’s diary.
If you know me irl and/or this is about you. Just ask.
Ok so context. Up until 2026, I’d dated two people in my life. Both were women and with me during a time in my life where I’d not yet solidified my womanhood. These relationships were heteronormative and not always as good for me. Actually to be more specific:
- GF 0 - Horrible person. Abusive. Ruined my life for a while. DEFINITELY cheated on me but like I could care less because that’s at the bottom of the long list of reasons of why this person is FUCKED.
- GF 1 - Mediocre match. Mediocre in general. Might have cheated on me? Idk feels weird.
It’s been about 4-5 years since GF2 now and my romance hiatus is officially over. Here’s all the things that’ve happened since the end of this hiatus in about June:
- The coolest genderfucked person EVER asks me to make out at a Machine Girl show. I accidentally poke the equally dope person they’re with in the eye during a mosh.
- I keep running into these people and they invite me to a “house party”. I have a ton of sex with badasses.
- I hook up with a friend. They catch feelings while I’m just in it for the sex. It’s a really bad time for them. I feel horrible.
- The person I poked in the eye turns out to be a dog and we go for a walk in the park. We hold hands. We talk. We have gay sex in places we have no business having gay sex in. My heart erupts in ways I forgot it could.
- I keep showing up to “house parties” and have a ton of sex with badasses.
- I’m just meeting up with lesbians and making out and having sex and stuff like what?
- More of the above. All of this is ongoing. Blablabla etc etc etc…
Okay so here’s how I really feel about all of the above.
*Ahem* “House Parties”
Practicing romance and sex is something that apparently puts me at some odds with myself. It’s amazing but also extremely horrible. Being desired by another is something I hadn’t experienced for forever and now it just feels surreal.
Oh you’re attracted to me and my physical appearance affects you in a positive manner especially related to excitement and arausal? That’s… Fucked and extremely dark and not something I can just reconcile with.
Whenever someone compliments me in that context now I’m mostly lost for words and my first instinct is to deflect. My assailants however figured this pattern out pretty quickly and it appears to motivate them to increase their assault. Now just begrudingly thank them. I’m hoping eventually I’ll be able to receive things like this in earnest. But like… Damn.
I’m overexaggerating a bit here btw. Sex is great. Making out with girls is great. Despite all of the above + my workaholic brain yelling at me I do really like it. I wanna do it more. I’m gonna do it more.
What the Fuck, Help Me
Physical attraction, is not the worst of it. What truly, really, seriously fucks with me is the following:
I’m in love.
When me and dog person were walking down an Amsterdam park, holding hands, sitting down in the grass with them between my legs, resting on my chest. I felt things. I could feel myself getting nervous as FUCK, over the littlest things. I desperately want this dog to like me cuz they’re like really cool and so nice and interesting and WHAT THE FUCK they smell good??? Like this is visceral, my body is generating all sorts of hormones that are just fucking my shit up. WHY??? WHAT FOR???
I rarely get to see the doggie irl so most of the time we’re texting. Which I suck at. Texting is on the top 4 things that Puk despises. Others of course are:
- Sleeping
- Eating
- Onions
But we do text. Like a lot (for my doing). I’ve never texted this much and it’s really expending my entire mental texting budget. Here’s where it gets really dark, twisted and gory though so do look away if you’re sensitive to a woman being torn limb by limb:
They send me voice messages. Saying “good morning Puk”, “good night Puk, sweet dreams” and “I love you”. I CANNOT BEGIN TO DESCRIBE TO YOU… WHATEVER!!!
Love is a big word to spend on someone. I love my parents, I love my brother, I love my 21 year old cat, I love my friends. All of these “loves” are very decided for me. There are like, logically traceable reasons for me to love these. Reasons that are known to me, well established and tested.
My love for this dog defies all that is known to Puk-kind. I’m learning to accept that. But it almost feels… Illegal, perverted, morally compromised? Whatever could possibly be the reason for me loving this dog? Because they kiss me? Because they touch me? Because they’re just really really nice in a way that makes my heart flutter? Because I’m under their spell?
I guess… Yes? Yeah.
I’m only now slowly winning the fight against my horribly conditioned brain. I’m learning to no longer reduce people to some practicioner of twisted ways that is off-limits to me. Because, I love this dog. And I owe it and myself a shot at being. I hope it continues to grace me with its presence.
FUCK DUDE I’M IN TEARS LIKE THIS IS FUCKED AND DARK AND WHAT THE FUCK.
Hurting People (Emotionally. You Freak. -_-)
Oh yeah, it sucks. I don’t want to do it. I apparently have some capacity for it. Scary. I’m going to try to be good.
Ok rant over!!!! Yayyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I’m like doing super good btw. Things are great. Just. Woah tho. Yknow?
Okokokokok call me baiiii <3